Male Sexual Abuse - Closeted No More

by Placerville Newswire / Sep 23, 2018 / comments

There is much to be done before the issue of sexual violence against men and boys can be properly acknowledged and discussed, free of denial or shame.


[by Paul Bott]

I did not report it either. Who was going to believe me? How was I going to expose the shame that I felt? 

It was 1969, I was in a hospital for a double carpal tunnel syndrome operation, both my left and my right hands, The surgeon said I was awfully young to have this carpal tunnel syndrome but he was certain that he could help me and alleviate the pain. I had the surgery, I was in what I thought was the recovery room, both hands tied to either side of the bed so I wouldn't move them and open up the stitches, and then it happened, A large man, male nurse I suspected, penetrated me and as I squirmed and began to scream he increased whatever pain killer I was on and I was out like a light, I do not remember nor do I ever want to remember what happened after that, but what happened was this, I have never been able to forget this experience and the shame I carry with me every day still, at age 65....yes I still carry the shame and guilt, I still feel dirty, I still feel that the violation to my body was a violation to my entire life and although I try to forgive I can never forget how humiliated I was, and how the shame and humiliation has always affected my life. My entire life. 

That victims have to go through this is nonsensical, it is still so hard to believe, but I do believe that it actually happened, and I grew up believing that nobody would ever believe this happened to me.

As I write this I wonder if I'm brave enough to actually post this, I guess we'll find out soon enough, but I know that I am not brave, what I am is just so fed up with people being hurt and harm by other people mostly men, who walk away from the experience....I was scared and I punished myself for years and regret not making this man accountable. 

Earlier today there was discussion about the fact that so many people were convinced that this new potential supreme court justice was guilty, my argument was that guilt had nothing to do with anything at this point, it was just accountability that was a more important factor. Whether this man is guilty or not I cannot say, but is he accountable? I don't think so, so many people, so many men never reach a point of accountability it's almost as if they have been trained to be a rapist, trying to walk away from a crime with no sense of responsibility and no sense of accountability.

I'm one of the ones who believes our country has turned the corner and we will never be able to regain the civility or the moral platitude that we once professed to be part of, and now we only lie about it and pretend we are moral people. We are not. We are not moral when we create or commit a crime, we are not moral when we walk away from the crime we commit and plead innocent, we are not moral when we are silent and allow for crimes against men and women not to be investigated and if found guilty punished. And if found guilty and if punished that punishment must be the same whether it's a white man or a black man and white woman or a black woman, the morality of justice must be consistent and must be the same as accountability and guilt are both consequences and equal regardless of race, social standings, wealth or poverty.

My inclination in life and I don't believe you would know this about me, but my inclination always been to hide, to keep my personal shame to myself and to enjoy the company of my own pleasure and not the judgment from others, nor any further involvement in a shameful act committed on a young boy, now an adult, so many years ago.

By Paul Bott